Sometimes....I just feel ugly. Be it my round head, my pointed chin, my nappy hair, or my gift of size, I simply feel not pretty. For the longest time I carried that with me, like a weight around my heart, and secretly never felt good enough. As I have gotten older, there are still days that I feel not as pretty, but I have found that embracing those moments, feelings, and ideas in my head tend to lend themselves to revealing just what it is that really is the issue. Most of the time, it is never what I look like.
After my shoulder surgery this week I have pretty much been in the bed, not getting dolled up, which I rarely do, but not placing any importance on my appearance...(my poor hubs is a trooper with this.) As I began to consider journaling today, I chose to embrace my ugliness, what was underneath it all, and allow myself the freedom to give a rats arse what I look like. The entry that came from all of this is quite a hoot and I love it. I love it because it is imperfect, weird, rather strange to look at but it seems to have a beauty about it just the same. This is what comes from giving yourself the freedom to be ugly....you realize beauty is not far away.....real beauty that is.





I sketched my initial image giving homage to my round face, my pointed chin, and other peccadilloes that have a voice of ugliness in my head. I knew it didn't really matter if I drew anything even close to a person, I was drawing features instead....and the person evolved. I did gesso the paper first, which always gives such great texture, and went back over my sketch with a black, watercolor pencil. Ever so slowly I began adding details, color washes, layers, and thinking about why I find these specific issues troublesome when it comes to beauty. I did not intentionally plan out any of the finished layers, just listened to my heart and followed where it led. I did write in my thoughts into the dress, because I knew I wanted to symbolically wash away some of those connections or agreements I had formed.





The final product made me laugh out loud. It has the femine and masculine traits, it is bizarre, but in its own way I think it is beautiful. I might spend a bit more time with the concept of ugliness. It shapes so many of my own feelings and thoughts, and I would guess is a powerful frame of reference for many of us.